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Tue, Sep. 21st, 2004, 01:59 am

I've been thinking about something somebody said the other day, something that really made me think. This person was asking for advice on a personal problem. The problem was depression. Not just being depressed, but enjoying it. Getting used to the feeling, and getting some sort of satisfaction out of it. I'd never thought about it before, but I do that. I've become addicted to it. To the self-pity, to beating myself up. I feel "cool" being the moody, depressed, angry-at-life teenager... except I have nothing to be angry about. I have an amazing life. I need to stop doing this somehow. It's not a good thing. The time I spend telling myself how stupid I am, I could actually be doing something productive and helpful. When I get depressed I isolate myself. I push people away from me. Even though all I want at the moment is people... or rather, I want people to try to comfort me. I want people to try to make me feel better. I don't want them to actually make me feel better, just to try. It's not a good feeling, but it's a very familiar feeling, and sometimes I actually resent people trying to make me come out of it, to make me stop focusing on myself.

Well, no more. I'm sure I'll still get depressed, but I'm not going to enjoy it.

Tue, Sep. 21st, 2004 08:16 am (UTC)

Heh, I totally know what you're talking about. I do the same thing, and I hate it. Trying to stop, while trying to stop doing a million other things I ought to stop doing. Regeneration is tough business.

Tue, Sep. 21st, 2004 03:28 pm (UTC)

i know the feeling exactly. it's so hard for me not to be in that state. and it's interesting seeing how many other people feel the same way...

Tue, Sep. 21st, 2004 09:17 pm (UTC)

I just want to say that I always enjoy reading what you write, because it always seems to be so meaningful and relate to something in my own life...weird. I know that feeling alot, I figured out during the summer that I get myself depressed/angry/sad because it's better than being nothing.

So yes, I think you are very right. I feel the same way alot of times. Just say NO to depression!

Tue, Sep. 21st, 2004 09:18 pm (UTC)

aaaand I just realized I repeated myself...alot. (alot being one of the things I repeated arg) so, sorry about that!